Lately, I’ve been feeling as if I’m cursed. It’s a feeling that’s been coming and going for quite a while now. Even carved it into my arm a couple weeks ago, although not very deeply—will probably disappear completely fairly rapidly. It seems to be a mixture of rejection and inability to find a partner, and the psychological damage various churches have inflicted upon me over the last couple of years.
Nowadays, I don’t think I could even call myself a Christian. There’s just too much in the Bible that doesn’t seem to mesh well with my world view these days. And then there are some parts that to me are complete fantasy. It’s difficult to resolve the conflict of the Bible supposedly being infallible, and what I simply cannot believe is true. And then there’s this notion in my head that God really doesn’t like people at all.
As for the feelings of rejection… after all the backstabbing that went on at various churches and ex-friends, I’m not quite as able to weather the storm of disappointment. I used to be strong-willed, confident, happy. I can see it in old photos of me. Now, I have anxiety and panic attacks, and get scared of going out and doing something new on my own, and often see things in a much more negative light.
It all makes falling in love a dangerous proposition, which is happening to me at present. Little things send my mind into an overwhelming spiral of negative emotions that snowball out of control. That’s how I ended up cutting. At least I didn’t go so far as to try committing suicide again. I guess that is one positive to cling to, to remind myself that I am getting stronger again. Baby steps.
Today, the first of the fruit have started to grow. Seems Hamish’s hand-pollination was successful! How the plants have survived, and thrived in my office is just amazing. Guess it really is like a glass-house afterall!
It was actually a few months ago that I discovered a song by a band I thought had disappeared as one of many, many one-hit wonders. And of all places, it was a j-pop music channel I had recently started frequenting that I rediscovered this band…
Even now, I’m still astonished that Hanson—yes, that’s right, Hanson—is still together, producing music, going on tours, and still have a very large fan base. And even more so that they have a song I actually like. Weird!